Ginger Envy
by feelingtwofootsmall
Summary: The Doctor has been gone, and he's a bit... different when he comes back. No one can help the Ponds now. crack!fic, 11/Amy/Rory. Moderate slash. Oneshot. Surprise visitors! Rated for language and to be on the safe side.


Warning: There is moderate slash towards the end, and general weirdness and innuendo. It's rated M just to be safe, and for cursing. Because it's crack, some characters might be OOC in parts, and I apologize for that.

A/N: To anyone who's commented on anything I've written, I love you to gory bits, and please let me know how I did with this. It's my first try at crack, so tell me what I'm doing wrong etc. Reviews make me dance in the school parking lot. Fun fact: this was written halfway through an eleven hour car trip from Michigan to Virginia on 2-21-11. Unbeta'd like always. Oh, and for those of you who don't know, Irn-Bru is a very popular orange-colored Scottish soft drink.

Disclaimer: I don't own it, blah, blah, blah, Moffat is the genius and I'm his humble serf, blah, blah, blahh…

Ginger Envy

The Doctor had been conspicuously absent all morning, and Amy Pond knew that wasn't a good sign. She had seen him last night eating a Jammie Dodger and reading The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy in the library, but now he was nowhere to be found. She had even served fish fingers for breakfast, hoping that the smell might entice him out of his burrow like some tweed badger, but she had no such luck; he was simply missing. Rory had suggested (a bit less sarcastically and a bit more irritably than she would have liked) to check her old room because the Doctor might be smelling her clothes, but she ignored him and walked to the library instead. Perhaps the Doctor had fallen asleep on the sofa. He wasn't there, but she managed not to push an entire shelf of Charles Dickens novels into the swimming pool like last time.

Growling with frustration and perhaps a bit of anxiety, Amy stalked back into the kitchen, where her husband was still sitting at the table and now seemed to be talking to a blond woman with corkscrew curls.

"River!" Amy exclaimed in delight, "What are you doing here?" River Song smiled and held out her wrist as an explanation.

"I finally remembered how to vortex-manipulate into the TARDIS!" she said. "Either that or my coordinates are very far wrong, because I had just set it for the planet Droug to pick up some more sex pollen, and…" She saw the way Rory and Amy were eyeing her and cleared her throat. "Spoilers. The point is I ended up at your kitchen table."

"Well," Amy said, raising her eyebrows, "It's, em, good to see you again. Have we done Space Florida yet?"

River laughed. "The first or second time?"

Rory shot Amy a look before she said anything, but couldn't stop his wife from saying, "There's a _second_ time?" The older woman smirked mischievously and simply said, "Oh yes, there is most definitely a second time…" Before the other two could start asking questions, she silenced them with one of her own.

"By the way, where's the Doctor?" She looked as if the thought alarmed her. "He didn't just leave you two here alone, did he?"

"No," Rory said, "he's off doing something, but we were starting to get a bit worried- I mean, Amy was getting worried. I think he's probably just fixing something." But River was barely listening, and she didn't even notice when Rory began to turn red at his statement. She seemed to be sniffing the air, and her expression became more and more alarmed by the minute.

"Amy, this could be important. What's that smell in the air?"

"Just fish fingers- they're his favorite," Amy said. "I was trying to get him to come out." River nodded gravely.

"Alright, now- tell me what book he was reading last night. Was he reading a book in the library last night?"

"Yeah," Rory answered, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Why?" The blond woman just shook her head and began to get up from the table, tapping coordinates into the vortex manipulator on her wrist.

"Amy, Rory, I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry, but I think this is a fixed point in time. If the Doctor's told me anything, it's that you can't ever mess with fixed points in time. I've heard of this day from you in the future, and I can't change it without endangering the universe. You two will just have to live it. I have to go now." She flashed them each a sympathetic smile before hitting the vortex manipulator a bit harder than was necessary and literally disappearing in a puff of smoke before Amy or Rory could say a word. They turned towards each other in horror. Finally the red head broke the silence.

"What could possibly be about to happen?" she whispered. Rory just stared at her, shaking his head.

"I have no idea."

Amy tried to ask the TARDIS to carry the sounds of whatever the Doctor was doing to their ears, but nothing came; the Doctor must have blocked it. _Oh god, _Amy thought, _What in the galaxy is he doing? It must be even worse than the time he "got lost" in the TARDIS and then snuck up on me and Rory in the middle of the night…_

But they didn't have long to wait. After ten minutes of theorizing about what he could possibly be trying to surprise them with (Rory thought the Doctor was trying to kill him, and Amy thought the Doctor was using the sonic to masturbate, and they both thought of things too horrible to say aloud), the familiar footsteps of the bowtie-wearing alien echoed down the corridor, and the couple immediately shut up and turned towards the door. As the steps neared, Rory sprang from the table and made for the secret doorway, but Amy grabbed his sleeve and hissed, "We are doing this together. You are **not** leaving me with him." Her husband sighed and sat down again. "Fair enough."

"Hello, Ponds!" the Doctor shouted as he made his grand entrance, "I thought I smelled fish fingers!" But when he saw the looks on his two companions' faces, he stopped. "What? Don't you have fish fingers?"

_Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I can't un-see that. It looks like Irn-Bru! _Amy's brain seemed to be on auto-pilot, and she was lost for words for perhaps the first time ever. Rory swallowed hard and shut his eyes, looking down at the table.

_Don't retch. Don't. _The Doctor looked confused, and then upwards towards his hair.

"Oh, do you like it? I'M A GINGER!" That was when Amy found the strength to scream.

"AAAAAAAGGGHHHHHH!"

The Doctor was concerned. "What, did I do something wrong?" he asked, "I'm sorry to have offended you. How does it look?" Amy ran to the sink and threw up. Rory looked up and smiled weakly.

"Actually, Doctor, I like it… a lot," he added, his voice growing stronger with lust. Finally, a cross between Amy's good looks and the Doctor's charm… he wondered if anyone would miss him if he snuck off to his room. The Doctor smirked self-satisfactorily.

"Do you, Rory? I rather thought you might." Was it just him, or was there something in the Doctor's eyes that seemed…feral? _Ooh, that was good. _ Rory watched his friend run a hand over the newly-ginger hair, and had to swallow again.

"Are you flirting with me, Doctor?" He could have sworn the alien batted his eyelashes. But whatever the Doctor was about to say next (and judging by the look in his eye, it was probably an innuendo), he was interrupted by Amy, who wiped the vomit off her mouth and jumped headfirst into the fray.

"How **dare** you upstage me?" The Doctor blinked and took a step away from his other companion.

"What?"

"I said, how dare you upstage me? I'm the ginger on this TARDIS! And I didn't have to dye mine to get it that way!" Amy spat, her hazel eyes flashing dangerously. "The only reason you wanted to be ginger was because you were jealous of me and Rory! Why else would you have snuck up on us that time we were... uh… Why did you sneak up on us, huh? I know: because you're jealous."

"No, I'm not!"

"Yes you are, and you're taking it out by being ginger. Rory?" Her husband shrank away and shrugged nervously.

"Well, you know, I kind of like it… I think you're not used to having competition."

"Since when is _the Doctor_ competition? I'm married, I shouldn't have competition! Especially if that 'competition' is my male imaginary friend!" Why had River left them alone like this? Why?

"I didn't mean competition for my affections," Rory said hastily (the Doctor's face fell a bit), "I meant in gingerness! You liked being the only one, and now you're upset because you have to get used to other gingers." But Amy ignored him and started yelling at the Doctor again.

"You're just jealous! Why else would you suddenly be ginger, right after we got married? You've got… got… Ginger Envy!" However, before she could finish her Freudian analysis, a small plume of smoke appeared and the air sizzled, a certain ex-Time Agent landing square in the middle of the kitchen table.

"I've just** got** to have a picture of this!" Captain Jack Harkness shouted, delighted. He jumped off the table, took out some kind of futuristic camera, and, ignoring the open mouths of the Ponds, snapped a few paparazzi-like photos of the Doctor, who was blinking in a surprised manner but looked happy enough to have his picture taken.

"Oh, and you two," Jack said, turning to Amy and Rory, who still had their mouths agape, "First- heyy. Judging by the looks on your adorable faces, we haven't met yet. Cap'n Jack Harkness, at your service." He winked at first Rory, then Amy. "Second- I need a picture of your faces too." _Snap._ "Thanks, you guys are gonna love this… Long story short, we're playing strip poker in the future and Rory has all but his-" Before the Captain finished his sentence, there was an identical puff of gray smoke and River Song crackled into the room. She caught sight of Jack and her expression immediately turned to one of furious anger. Jack startled like a rabbit.

"River Song?" She nodded lethally, fumbling for her blaster.

"Jack Harkness, you bastard, I can't believe you would leave me tied to that tree, entirely naked, while that THING WITH TUSKS was- oh, you know what you did!" She had managed to free her gun and now pointed it at his head. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Shit!" the Captain ejaculated, his eyes darting around the room for an escape. "See you in the future, Doc, and you guys too- by the way Rory, nice…" With a yelp, he dodged a ray from River's gun and stabbed the vortex manipulator, taking himself effectively out of the situation. River snarled.

"Bastard."

"Who the hell was that?" Amy shouted.

"Don't know, don't care," said Rory, who was now standing in front of the Doctor and staring appreciatively at the orange-y glow. The Doctor was a little confused about the overall situation (all he'd wanted to do was show off a new hairstyle), but he smirked at Rory while seeking out River, who was breathing heavily in the corner.

"So, River," he said, "how do you like it?" The woman's eyes widened as she saw the Doctor properly for the first time since she had arrived.

"Honestly, sweetie, I liked it better the way it was before. But Rory wasn't lying- you do have a certain something when your hair looks like that." The Doctor's face fell.

"You don't like it?"

"Don't do the small child thing, sweetie. I would just highly advise you to change it back before Amy slaughters you." River smiled at Amy, but the younger woman didn't return it.

"River," she said slowly, "I thought you said this was a fixed moment in time, so…"

"Ooh, it is?" the Doctor interrupted, "That's fascinating, I wonder why!"

"SHUT UP, YOU IMPOSTOR," bellowed Amy in a not-very-ladylike voice. She turned back to River, who seemed slightly shocked that the voice could come from the thin Scottish girl. "Anyway, what I was saying was, isn't this a fixed point? You said it would do a thingy to the universe if you interfered."

"Right, did I say that?" River asked shiftily.

"Yes, you most certainly did," Amy retorted, "Now, is the universe gonna explode or anything we should know about?" Instead of directly answering her question, River pointed over Amy's shoulder and asked, "Shouldn't you be more concerned about _that_?"

"About what?"

"Turn around." Amy obeyed and felt the sudden urge to throw up all the acid in her stomach.

Rory had his arms twined around the Doctor's neck, tenderly kissing the Time Lord on the lips. The Doctor was holding Rory's waist, and certainly seemed to be reciprocating. In fact, as Amy watched, the two men deepened the embrace and most certainly did not come up for air.

"Don't forget to breathe," she choked out, echoing what the Doctor had said to her and Rory in the British Museum. However, they entirely ignored her and began to grind each other.

"God, that's disgusting!" yelled Amy, looking away. River grinned.

"I don't know, I think it's sexy. Maybe Jack rubbed off on me. I should go find him. I'll kill him, and then… okay, maybe I'll do that before I kill him. I'll see you in the future, sweetie," she shouted to the Doctor, and then turned back to Amy. "Well, I'll see you later. Space Florida?"

"Sure," Amy sighed, watching her husband and her imaginary friend come up for air, and then dive back down. It seemed the Doctor had a hand down Rory's pants… _Hey, only I'm allowed to get that sound out of him,_ she thought as Rory made a low keening hum in the back of his throat, opening his mouth for the Doctor's tongue. She shuddered and turned back.

"But River, didn't you say something about exploding the universe…. River?" The other woman had disappeared, somehow lowering the sound of the vortex manipulator in order to sneak off.

"RIVER! YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE ME WITH THEM! WHAT ABOUT THE STATE OF THE UNIVERSE?" Amy got no answer besides the labored breaths of the Doctor and Rory, and she gritted her teeth, turning to them again.

"Get. A. Room. If you had to steal my husband, don't do that in front of me!" The Doctor made a groan that could possibly have been interpreted as a "yes" and broke off the kiss, took his hand out of Rory's pants, and the two men stumbled toward the bedrooms.

"And not _our_ room!" Amy shouted, horrified. "Use a spare or something! Um… use protection! No, I mean, get off my husband! No, I mean, stop shagging my imaginary friend! No, I- oh fuck it." She dropped her hands in desperation and walked down the corridor once more. In a while she'd probably steal the sonic and do what she had suggested for the Doctor earlier (why should it just be the boys having fun?), but right now she had only one thing in mind: she was going to go to the bathroom and dye her hair blue.


End file.
